Sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy, because I have an unhealthy habit. It’s not something I’ve always done and I don’t know when it started, but it seems to be a pattern I’m having trouble breaking. I spend too much of my time over analyzing past events, conversations, body language, and so on. This has led me to creating full scenarios in my mind, imagining how they would play out and affect my life.
I use to see this as a way to prepare myself for my inevitable future disappointments. Nothing and no one could hurt me, because I didn’t give it the opportunity. I was invincible!
That doesn’t sound so bad, except I also wasn’t allowing myself to be happy. As soon as I felt happy and worry-free, I created a problem in my mind. I wasn’t allowed to be happy for too long. I didn’t deserve it, so I would immediately switch into self-preservation mode.
Afters weeks and months of this behavior, I felt like I lost control of myself. I genuinely believed I didn’t deserve happiness, and the reasons for that always changed. Maybe it was because I dropped out of college, or failed a workout plan, or because I couldn’t find the passion I had for my old hobbies anymore. I was comparing myself to everyone around me, seeing them make progress in their life, and I was just existing.
Everyone deserves the right to happiness, though. I saw failures in my life as reasons I didn’t deserve to be happy, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I tried and I failed, but the important part is that I gave it all I could. Failures aren’t a representation of you as a person, but it does show your willingness to be the best you can be. The worst thing we can do for ourselves is set ourselves up for failure, because we don’t want to allow anything else the opportunity.